I like when I can't tell the difference between parody and reality.

This Tiny-G music video is basically the most elaborately overproduced copy of collegehumor's hoops video.

CollegeHumor’s Favorite Funny Videos

I Like Getting a College Education.

Barack Fucking Hussein Obama is proposing to cut $100 billion in funding for the Pell Grant (a grant that helps poor people go to college). That wigger spent a trillion dollars on an unsuccessful stimulus package, but couldn't find cash to support college education? How does that fucker have the balls to go around the country giving speeches about the importance of higher education when he personally fucked over the Pell Grant? Fucking democrats.

Reasons to Hate Obama

1. He hates Zach Braff.
2. He hates disabled people.
3. He hates people who have jobs and ignores people who offer sound economic advice.
4. He can't be trusted with big government projects.
5. He uses profanity to insult other prominent people.
6. He fucks over college students.
   

The only thing I remember about the Harry Potter books is that Ron doesn't like corned beef sandwiches and much prefers candy. FUCK THAT. If you put corned beef on rye and toast that shit, it's fucking delicious. Ron doesn't even know.

I Like Mike

I don't understand how we can send a man to the moon, but we can't make perforated notebook paper that tears out in a clean line on a consistent basis

Because money pals are the best pals.

This week's episode of Glee totally stereotyped gay bullies.

And by gay bullies, I mean bullies that beat up gay people, not bullies who like other guy bullies (we'll call that type: "bully gays").

It's too often that I hear that gay bullies are only hiding their own insecurities, or worse, their own bully gayness. A lot of gay bullies just happen to hate gay people and nothing else. In this week's episode of Glee, discrimination once again runs rampant as Glee's gay bully Dave Karofsky is shown to actually be a bully gay. It's wrong for the liberal media to paint gay bullies in this negative light and I'm left only to wonder what brave soul will stand up for this oft-ridiculed minority group.

"What do you mean use my football as a boner shield?"

I Like Papa Smurf's "Wood"

Actual line from my Smurfs iPod Touch application.

Papa Smurf: "I'd normally fancy taking my time getting wood, but this sounds like an emergency."

I don't like to pee into other people's pee

Is it just me or is it really weird peeing into an already yellow, or worse brown, toilet? I don't see why this should bother me in a logical sense. Most of the times, it doesn't even smell! And it's not like I'm going to eat stuff out of the toilet, I'm peeing in it... in essence, only making it dirtier. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had been born in the 18th century America and had to poop in holes in the ground full of other people's poop. Or if I was born in 21st century India and had to poop in holes in the ground full of other people's poop.

I Like Bestiality

I don't understand why if a dog humps a man, it's funny, but if a man humps a dog, it's gross.

I liked digtrio better when they were still underground.

I Like Duke

Duke football may suck, but their lacrosse team is #1 at raping women. And their women are #1 at making powerpoint presentations about the lacrosse players who raped them.

General Tso is the Colonal Sanders of China.

Went to the DMV in Wayne today. The cast of Jersey Shore was there. I did not know Bloomin Onion was a hairstyle.

If I become a lawyer at a large firm, I will be working at a place that also happens to describe my penis.

What I realized while watching inglourious basterds:

The Bear Jew is a much more intimidating name than Jew Bear.

So on the back of a bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans, they list a whole bunch of different flavors like buttered popcorn and strawberry daiquiri, but really, they're all just sugar flavored.

Staying awake is so easy, I can do it in my sleep.

On Hulu, they sometimes start off a show by saying that the show is brought to us with limited commercial interruptions. I can't imagine what a show with unlimited commercial interruptions looks like...

I Like Modest Proposals

I hate shopping. One reason is because of the people that work at stores. It’s not every employee that I have a problem with. Just the dumb ones. The issue is that I want fast service, but since these guys are being paid by the hour, they work as slowly as possible. My solution? Stores should implement a new rule that allows customers to slap an employee in the face for every 30 seconds that they have to waste because of poor service.

Instead of using tostitos scoops to pick up more salsa, I pick up other smaller tostitos scoops pieces.

I Like Tap Water

Does anybody else think that it's crazy that Arizona Iced Tea is cheaper than bottled water? It's almost as crazy as how when George Bush said Hezbollah to "stop doing this shit," everyone started freaking out because he talks just like everyone else, but when Obama called Kanye a "jackass," everyone just thought Obama was a cool guy or that it was no big deal. Why? Is it because this is an affirmative action presidency? Is it because the media has a liberal bias? I know! I bet it's because Kanye is such a greater evil than Hezbollah ever was or will be that the use of profanity is more than justified.

Reasons to Hate Obama

1. He hates Zach Braff.
2. He hates disabled people.
3. He hates people who have jobs and ignores people who offer sound economic advice.
4. He can't be trusted with big government projects.
5. He uses profanity to insult other prominent people.
   

I Like Serena Now

Here's Zach Braff's imitation of Serena Williams.

(start watching at the 33 second mark)

I Still Hate Obama

So I'm listening to Obama's health care speech right now and I can't help but be reminded about the last time this administration took on a plan of this magnitude. The Obama administration promised hard working Americans that if their stimulus plan was passed, the unemployment rate would stay below 8%. Currently, the US unemployment rate is at 9.6%. Can we really trust this administration with another huge responsibility, such as health care? Last time, they threw 787 billion dollars of taxpayer money into a plan that just did not work. Democrats are still going on about how President Bush was wrong about WMD's in Iraq, when both British and American intelligence told the president that there were in fact, WMD's, yet no one ever seems to mention the money we threw down the drain with the stimulus package, which is greater than the total amount we have spent on the Iraq War. And Obama has the nerve to call Republicans misleading on the topic of health care? You've got to be kidding me.

I Like Alien Abductions Too

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

At the airport, I triggered the metal detector five times because I kept forgetting to take different stuff off. After the fifth time, the security dude got really frustrated and told me to step into this glass cage. That’s when I noticed the latex glove he was wearing. I knew why he was wearing that glove. He was going to probe my anus! I had never been so scared. My whole life flashed before my eyes. Some people are scared their plane’s going to crash. I’m afraid some dude’s going to probe my anus. And that’s why I don’t fly.

RAIN IS A NAZI

Look at what I screen capped while watching this Tous Les Jours commercial!

I Like Legitimate Frozen Yogurt Vendor Names

Image via Wikipedia

Red Mango does not serve mango flavored yogurt and their mango toppings are yellow. Are you joking? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull, Red Mango? Innocent customers are walking into your place of residence expecting the greatest crimson tropical fruit experience of their lives, only to walk away severely disappointed. Shame on you, Red Mango. Your false advertising has left a bitter taste in my mouth that not even your delicious frozen yogurt can cure.

Dog fighting is Pokemon for grownups.

Modern Day Philosophy: If I write a blog post and no one ever reads it, does it make a sound?

I Like Dunking Donuts

I was watching a Korean dating show today and it was this Korean girl going out with a white guy named Chris. They’re at the basketball courts and the girl asks Chris to dunk and he says, “That’s for black people.” Immediately, I thought, dude that’s racist! But then I remembered that I run this blog.

I always trigger the automatic urinals before I’m done peeing. I guess it’s because my penis is too long or something.

Last Thursday, I used a bidet for the first time in my life. It made me remember how much I don't want to go to jail.

Today I saw a guy on the subway and I was all, that dude is a loser. Then I realized I was wearing the same thing I was. OTL

Went to a rest stop today. The sticker next to the urinal read, “Tears aren’t the only thing a man shouldn’t spill.”

I Like Backwards Technology

I rented a cell phone for use during my stay in Korea, and when I want to check the time on the small lcd screen in the front, it displays an analog watch face. You know, the one that gives you the time using a small hand and a big hand rather than just telling you the time using numbers. Why? Why would the designers of the cell phone put a digital version of an analog watch when they could just put a digital one? Is there some strange watch cult that wants to estimate their time using 5 minute intervals rather than be told exactly what time it is?

I Like Eating Small Children

Image via Wikipedia

I went to a restaurant today that specialized in black goat meat. As soon as I walked in, there’s a life-size poster of a goat looking at me in the face! It wasn’t even some cartoonized friendly anthropomorphic goat, it was an actual photograph of an actual goat, looking at me in the face being all, “Dude, you’re fucking eating me!"

Question-If you consume a young goat, are you eating a kid?

So I watched Stand and Deliver today. I totally thought it was going to be a movie about male urination.

How coincidental that puberty is the time when you grow pubes.

Corny joke I thought up during history lecture:

Q: What do you call a penis on the internet?

A: An edict!

Image by Tvlip via Flickr

Cheerios + Food Coloring = Fruit Loops

Dr. Pepper is cherry cola, right? So what the hell is Cherry Dr. Pepper?

I wonder if living in Missouri is miserable.

I Like Not Having the Same Name as Countries in the Axis of Evil

I was reading the journal today and I saw the headline: U.S. Fortifies Hawaii to Meet Threat From Korea. And I thought, people need to stop referring to North Korea as just Korea. It's giving South Koreans a bad reputation. It's bad enough having a trigger happy, missile launching, edge of the edge dictatorship living on top of us, we do not need people confusing us with them.

There are so many things you could call North Korea:

• Evildoer Korea
• Missile Launching Korea
• Leisure Suit Korea
  

But just "Korea" is not one of them.

Side Note: Kim Jong Il? More like Kim Jong Troll! Amirite?

I Hate Obama Part 2

Guess what, you guys? The stimulus plan failed! Unemployment rates are significantly higher than what the Obama administration promised they would be if the stimulus plan was passed. Biden, being the weasel that he is, tries to shift the blame, saying "Everyone guessed wrong."

However, that's clearly not true.

Becker and Murphy had an article in the Wall Street Journal back in February saying exactly what was wrong with the stimulus plan.

So in reality, it wasn't "everyone" that guessed wrong. When you ignore the economic advice of Nobel Laureates like Gary Becker, you shouldn't blame anyone except yourself.

Reasons to Hate Obama

1. He hates Zach Braff.
2. He hates disabled people.
3. He hates people who have jobs and ignores people who offer sound economic advice.
   

Image via Wikipedia

I Like Ethnic Food

Have you guys tried Ethiopian food?

No?

Neither have they.

I Like Being Back

So I was listening to the radio today and the announcer says: "There was a lot of action last night [pause for sexual innuendo to sink in] for firefighters as a fire burned throughout..."

I have to ask. Is this really the appropriate time for a pun? What's next?

"Residents of 15 North Patterson street raised their hands in air like they just didn't care [pause for comedic effect] before being brutually shot down in a triple homicide this morning."

I Like Not Awkwardness

Dividers between urinals should be mandatory.

I Like Cat Dissection

Monetarists don't promote the use of monetary policy. What?!

I Like Breaking the Seals

Two more days left, you guys!

I Like Not Studying

 

Almost done with AP's, you guys! After that, maybe my posts will stop being so crappy and return to their usual mediocrity.

I Like Braffing

The drought continues. In honor of the end of Scrubs, here are some Zach Braff quotes.

"I don't see what the big deal is, we call that Tuesday on the set of Scrubs." - Zach Braff on Two Girls One Cup

"I'm just saying, if I grew a beard, how many people could honestly tell the difference?" - Zach Braff on Jesus Christ

"I haven't been this excited about something from Germany since the creation of the Nazi party!" - Zach Braff on the "ShamWow!"

I Like Pugh

Ha ha ha ha. This guy's last name is Poo.

(You guys, /b/ isn't really working, so I don't actually have any more clever pictures.)

I Like Bubblegum

3Drealms, the company that makes Duke Nukem shut down! I guess they'll have to change the catch phrase from "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum" to "I can't afford bubblegum because I don't have a job anymore."

I Like Charlie Chaplin

 

Though his example of the perfect person had blonde hair and blue eyes, Hitler had neither.

I Like Linux

Oxymoron of the day: Microsoft Works

I Like Bonchon Better

Black people love their fried chicken.

I Like Ruining People's Childhoods

There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name, oh!

B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name, oh!

In the song, is Bingo the name of the man or the dog?

Happy Children's Day.

I Like My Newfound Popularity

You guys! SMBC basically just stole from yesterday's post. Does this mean that Zach Weiner reads my blog? I think yes.

I Like Minesweeper

New York Times blogger said yesterday about the Kentucky Derby, "If I had to pick a last-place finisher , it would be Mine That Bird."

Today, Mine That Bird came in first place.

I Like Measuring Things

Q: Which device do you use to measure how much someone likes small children?

A: A pedometer.

I Like Not Caring

It should be a federal offense.

I Like Fishsticks in My Mouth

I know! I know! Sorry about the lateness, but I only thought of it as I was listening to love lockdown today.

I Like Clever Songs

In the Do-Re-Mi song from Sound of Music, La is a "note to follow so." But, aren't the rest all notes that follow the ones before them? How stupid.

I Love /b/

Warning: This post is for newfags.

Alright, so the Time's most influential people online poll results came out yesterday. If you look carefully, you'll spot a clever prank. But pretty much everyone I showed it to did not get the joke, so I'll explain it for you guys. Don't read ahead if you want to figure it out yourself.


NEWFAG SPOILER ALERT


Read the description for the first man: moot. Now, read the first letter of each name until you get to the 21st name. It should spell out something. So why did this occur? Is it just a remarkable coincidence? Actually, basement dwellers all over the world the people who regularly visit 4chan (i.e. me), collectively ejaculated after finding out that our beloved moot (the creator of 4chan) was finally nominated for the poll. As such, we worked together to pick the top 21 most influential people and the order that they would be in.

Internet heroes, I salute you.

I Like Chinese Gangs

Whenever I see people talking on a cell phone in Chinese, I like to pretend that a member of the Triad is on the other line threatening them to pay back their loans. It makes my life interesting.