Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I Like Creativity

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Kuumba (Creativity).

“Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous.”~ Bill Moyers

Candy: Pixy stix are just paper tubes filled with colored artificial sugar. But pretty much every restaurant, diner, coffehouse, cafeteria has packets of sugar for free. So why would you pay for pixy stix?

Side Note: Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback to have graced the game and he should most definitely be the MVP.

I don't get the last one either.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Like Purpose

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It was probably disoriented by the urban setting in which it was placed

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Nia (Purpose)

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” ~Emerson

Monday, December 29, 2008

I Like Cooperative Economics

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics).

“Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners, and necessity has made us allies. Those whom God has so joined together, let no man put asunder.”~JFK

Television: TNT advertises that their network has less commercials and more movie. I'm sorry. Wouldn't you have less commercials if you didn't have a commercial about having less commercials? Just a thought.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I Like Responsibility

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)

Work! Huh! Yeah~ What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.

News: CNN shows amateur videos from the internet fairly regularly. I watch cable news so I can get high quality reporting, not some idiot who happens to own a video camera. If I wanted to see people making fools out of themselves, I would just go watch Oprah. Then again, I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Oh lawd!
photo: nayrb

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I Like Determination

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Kujichagulia, self-determination.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race” ~Calvin Coolidge

Christmas: What's the deal with people that decorate their lawns for holidays? Holiday-themed lawn decorations are tacky almost without exception. And I'm thinking it also lowers the property value of the neighborhood. It's a lose-lose situation for everyone.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I Like Unity

From everyone at The Dirty Needle Coughs, Habari Gani!

Today's principle of Kwanzaa is Umoja- Unity.

Unity, because when spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I Like Christmas

Merry Christmas from everyone at The Dirty Needle Coughs!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I Like Tacos More Than Hot Dogs

Mexican Food: Exactly what is the proper taco eating technique? At first, I thought it was to turn the taco itself to a horizontal position for optimal consumption. But no! With this technique all the filling falls out. The correct method to this madness is to tilt your head, not your taco. In this manner, you still get to eat it horizontally, but nothing falls out! You can thank me later.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I Like Zach Braff

Here are my favorite quotes from Zach Braff of Scrubs fame.

"I mean, they lost both parents. That's just careless." - Zach Braff on orphans

"I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people." - Zach Braff on reality shows.

"Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me." - Zach Braff on abortion.

"I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport." - Zach Braff on Homosexuals


Monday, December 22, 2008


Interwebs: Collegehumor is getting its own show on MTV. I hope they upload all their shows onto their website because I don't want to watch a stupid channel like MTV. Come to think about it, there are no good shows on MTV. Shot at Love, Made, Next, Beavis and Butthead, Cribs... Their list of failures goes on and on. Maybe the guys from CH can make them slightly more respectable.

Hip Hop: MC Hawking is pretty creative. Gangster rap through a text-to-speech device sounds oh so sweet.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Like Things

Things I'm sad about: There's no one else with my name on facebook.

Things I'm happy about: Colts are going to the playoffs as 5th seed! My prediction is going according to plan.

Things I don't understand: Shrek has a table for two, but he doesn't have any visitors.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Like Talking in Questions?

Candy: Junior Mints claim that they are covered in "pure" chocolate. What exactly is pure chocolate? Or better yet, what exactly is "impure" chocolate? How expensive can chocolate be that people would put in a chocolate substitute to lower production costs? What would they even use? Guano? I would buy more of it if it was chocolate covered in pure mint? Can you say super special awesome?


Friday, December 19, 2008

I Like Regular Weather

Weather: I don't understand the concept of snow. I feel as though we are brainwashed into liking snow as children and as we grow up, we painfully realize that maybe snow is not so good. It messed up my shoes, keeps me from getting from one place to another in an efficient manner, and did I mention it messes up my shoes? Perhaps parents should teach their children the truth about rain's colder brethren at a young age to ease the pains of growing up.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I Like Barry

Dr. Seuss: Thing 1 sounds like Barry White. This scares me.

Photo: codechimp_net

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Like the Better Manning

Football: This is my prediction for the NFL. Dolphins win their next two games. So do the Pats. Ravens lose against Dallas. Pats go in 6th seed and Colts as 5th seed. Both the Colts and the Pats continue to win until both teams meet at the AFC championships at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis where the Colts beat the Patriots and go on to face Eli Manning's Giants in a Manning versus Manning shootout at the Super Bowl. Oh, and obviously, Peyton wins.

Hip-Hop: Lil Wayne claims that all his verses are off the top of his head in freestyle fashion. If this is true, why doesn't he just put out a new album as soon as the current album's sales start dropping?

Photo: Georgetown voice

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Like Power

Politics: While Bush was holding a press conference in Baghdad, Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi from Al-Baghdadia television network threw a shoe at him. Honestly, who throws a shoe?

Monday, December 15, 2008

I Like DBZ Names

Posture: Apparently there are thousands of pictures of naked ivy league students from George Bush to Hillary Clinton somewhere if you look hard enough. Which leads me to ask: Where's Indiana Jones when you need him?

Kwanzaa: It's coming!

Names: In 1810, the ruler of Hawaii was King Kamehameha. That's right. Kamehameha.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I Like How Magibon is a Celebrity

Popular Culture: Why do people care how celebrities act? Are these the same type of people that care what their doctor does on his weekends or where their dentist adopted his kid from? What value does knowing about the day-to-day life of a celebrity provide?

Unfairness: I don't like how you have to write applications to selective programs and schools require you to write essays. They're essentially counting a person's writing abilities twice: once for their school grade in English class and once for the essay. I mean it gives people who are strong in English an advantage over everyone else and essentially cripples those who aren't very skilled in writing, but are good at other things.

This is how all my dates go:

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I Like the New Banner

Old News: I have a new banner, you guys! Big thanks to Lillian for her needle! (she drew it!)

Googlemania: In Google Translate, on the bottom right hand corner, there's a link that says "suggest a better translation". While I applaud the effort, I have to point out a minute flaw. If you know a better translation than what google translate will provide you, why would you be using it in the first place?

Art: How come when kids draw on the sidewalk, it's cute, but when teenagers do it, it's graffiti?

photo: Richard Cocks

Friday, December 12, 2008

I Like Calamari

Protip: I started placing my mousepad vertically instead of horizontally and it's a gigantic improvement. For browsing the internet tubes and such, this positioning is pro.

Fun Fact: Korean people enjoy watching scary movies during summertime.

Policy: Squid is a lot like authoritarian rule. It tastes pretty bad until you figure out how to cook it just right.

Question of the day: Why do kids like cartoons so much more than adults? Is it because they have better imaginations and they can suspend their disbelief to a greater extent?

MMMMMM... Dictatorship salad~

photo: avlxyz

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I Like Watching Television

Shows that I recommend you watch:

Arrested Development- This is for people who enjoy subtle humor and hidden gems. The jokes aren't always obvious and a lot of times they reference previous episodes. I recommend you watch this one from start to finish. (only about 2.5 seasons)

Scrubs-Great show or greatest show?

Boondocks- Both the jokes and social commentary are pretty in your face. Don't watch this if you are offended by people calling each other niggers.

Roflcopout of the day:

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Like Milkis (Part II)

As promised: Personally, I tried the lychee flavored calpis. The lychee flavor was too weak and the drink was too watery and didn't quite have the thickness that milk should have brought it. The drink leaves a aftertaste not very much unlike that of sugar-water. Overall, the drink is slightly better than getting arrested by the FBI for distributing child pornography and becoming you cellmate Frank's "girlfriend".

On a related note: Starbucks coffee cake was pretty good, even if I couldn't taste the coffee. I recommend not having it with cow piss calpis.

photo: Back to the cutting Board

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I Like Milkis (Part I)

Calpis: Calpis is advertised as a non-carbonated soft drink. Isn't... isn't that just juice, then?

Interesting Fact: In English speaking countries, Calpis is called Calpico because Calpis sounds too much like "Cow piss".

Koreans do it better: I prefer Milikis.

(More on Calpis will follow tomorrow!)

photo: framboise

Monday, December 8, 2008

I Like Knowing What's Going On

Y2K: What was the big deal about the turn of the millenium? I remember I was a kid when it happened and I didn't even bother staying up.

Embarrassing moments of my life: You guys! I was sleeping, per usual when my mom comes in and she's like, "IT'S 8 O'CLOCK!" and then just rushes off into the bathroom. Shaking off the stupor, I realize I'm completely late for school and I start tearing my clothes off as fast as possible and thinking about how I'm going to study for my math test in the car. I get down to my boxers when I yell out "WHO'S GOING TO DRIVE ME?"My mother comes out of the bathroom to see what's going on and starts laughing, at which point I come to the realization that it was 8pm, not 8am and that my mother was yelling at me for taking a nap. Needless to say, it was one of the prouder moments in my life.

photo: Tambako the Jaguar

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I Like Not Taking Pictures of Myself

Photograph: I don't understand what pleasure people derive from taking massive amounts of pictures of themselves. Maybe I'm just not narcissistic enough to enjoy looking at myself in still photo form.

I Don't Know Anything About Politics: How come when Bush hires some people he knows, they're his "cronies", but when Obama does it, it's his "trusted network"?

Shopping: So I went to an store the other day and as I was returning to my car, there were a bunch of firemen telling me to get as far away as possible because there was a bomb threat. It was like going to school while going shopping.

Typical Muslim cat is typical.

photo: encyclopedia dramatica

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I Like Saving the World

Nobel Prize: Whenever my calculator says that the batteries are running out, I remove them and instead of throwing them out, I put them in my clock that never has batteries. I like to think that this selfless act of environmentalism makes up for the fact that I drive to school every day, eat lots of red meat, and kick babies in the face (for the lulz, of course). You might say my battery using technique is inconsequential, but so is voting.

Bonchon Update: I had Bonchon for the first time in one and a half months. And it was good.

Leisure: I don't understand the enjoyment of ice skating. You strap on some blades and you go around in a circle for an hour. Weeeee...

Friday, December 5, 2008

I Like Helping You

College: My guidance counselor tells me that I need to go visit colleges to see which one "feels right". I disagree. Assuming that you only visit colleges where you are planning to apply/enroll, there are two possible outcomes of a college visit. One is that it will have no effect on your decision to apply/enroll and the visit has been a waste of both your money and your time. The second possible outcome is that you do change your mind about the college and you decide not to apply/enroll there. This is even worse as you are essentially making a huge decision in your life based on a sample size of 1.

To explain how stupid this is, let's say that one day, you find a spider, as you're drying yourself off, you find a spider in your towel. Now, you've never seen anything in your towel at any time before this incident and surely you must have taken millions of showers. Deciding not to go to a college because of a single visit there is like deciding to check your towel for 5 minutes after every shower because you found a spider that one time.

Because of this, most, if not all students who decide against a college based on a single visit are unjustified in their actions.

TL;DR: Both possible outcomes of a college visit are losses. Either you lose money and time or you make a bad decision. There's no way you can win. It's a rigged game.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Like Image Editing

This was my first attempt at making a motivational poster. I hope you guys like it!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I Like toothPASTE

Toothpaste Update: I have this new toothpaste that's not really toothpaste at all. It's like this gel material and it sucks. That is all.

Shoes: So I bought some Pumas today and the words "Real Puma" were printed inside. That's a good way to tell if you have authentic Pumas or not. Because the guys that make the fake Pumas, their shoes have the words "Fake Puma" inscribed instead.

4chan: I finally understand why so popular.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Like British People

Charity: The Salvation Army people that ring bells at the collection plates really annoy me. And the one I saw wasn't even dressed like Santa! What's the point of those bells? Does anyone actually go, "OOOOHHH Bells! I think I'm going to empty my wallet into this red bucket you have right here." Those stupid ringers are only slightly less aggravating than talking to a staff member at the DMV.

Chinese: Without a doubt, Korean people make the best Chinese food. I made the grave mistake of eating Chinese-made Chinese food and it was terrible! The chicken was salty and soggy, the rice was strange, and the broccoli was like liquid magma in my mouth. I should've left as soon as I hear those guys speaking Cantonese to one another.

When did Daft Punk join the Salvation Army?

photo: trevino

Monday, December 1, 2008

I Like Flaggelating Myself

Government: Dictators always get a bad rap, but authoritarianism isn't so bad. But look at Korea. Park Chung-hee increased GDP a million-fold! American public, please repeal your bias of authoritarian rule.

Strange Bedfellows: You guys, I had lunch with British people! And I can tell you this- they do all talk like mac manc mcmanx. Hooray for stereotypes!

Self-Flaggelating: It's not a dirty word?

Roflcopout of the Day:

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I Like Baking

Food: I had a Mexican Chicken sandwich today, which was really a chicken, salsa, cream cheese, avocado panini. And it was good.

Football: The Colts seem to be doing well. INDIANA FTW!

Pants: Is it just me or do most jeans look pretty much exactly the same?

Korea: I never knew what an oven was until I came to America. So I did a quick little search and google tells me that Koreans do not, in fact, use ovens. At first, I thought this was curious, but then I realized, "Koreans don't bake!"

Honey, the oven is glowing purple!

photo: mrebert

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Like Giving

I Just Don't Understand: Why do people leave video messages on Facebook where it's just them lip syncing to a song they're playing on their computer? Do they think they are being comical and/or original?

Charities: I don't understand why charities don't just give money to people instead of objects. How can we possibly know what their priorities are or how that money could best be used? For example, what if Cambodian children need food, but instead of sending them food, we just send them laptops? The best we can do is give poor people money so that they can spend it on what they think is best for themselves. If they think education is more important than having lunch, then that's fine. Let them have an education. The primary concern seems to be that they would just waste the money, but really, who are you to judge what others think is important to them?

photo: danzden

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Like Tea

Gifts: My family received some green tea castella as a present and it is much better than cheesecake. It's not excatly Bonchon, but at least it's not cheesecake either.

Facebook: Why in the world did they create a poke feature for Facebook? A poker contributes absolutely nothing of value and only embarrasses himself while simultaneously drawing the hatred of others. My guess is that this button was designed by a trollfag who found traditional trolling methods way too time consuming.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I Like Skinny People

Happy Thanksgiving, you guys!

Quest for the Nobel Prize: Today, I will solve the obesity epidemic that is prevalent in America and I'm sure will spread to other countries as they themselves become wealthier. I will do this by giving some advice to fat people. Fat people, chew your food more! I lost about 20 pounds after I started chewing my food properly. Don't be in such a hurry to wolf down that big mac, big man. This may seem like pretty obvious advice, but you'd be surprised how many times I see people just showing their sandwich down their throat.

You can thank me later.

Speaking of shoving things down your throat...

photo: malias

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Like You

Islam: Have you guys noticed that Muslim women wearing hijabs look like ninjas? It's like every day is Halloween for them. You know, without the candy or the front yard full of toilet paper.

Full House: Joey is not actually related to anyone else in the house. How creepy.

Animals: Gorillas can die of loneliness. Like Old Greg!

On an unrelated note: Attention, White House officials. Please do not leave Obama in a room by himself.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Like Automobiles

Christmas: You guys, I saw a green car with a red bumper today. I'm guessing it was either because the owner was too poor (too cheap?) to get a fresh paint job or because it's getting to be that time of year and she was feeling festive.

Luxuries: I really like the butt heaters the fancy cars. Nothing makes you feel more like royalty than having a warm ass in 20 degree weather.

School: I had to go to math competition in a school-bus today and it was terrible! Riding in one always gives me BUS RAGE! Government officials, I demand that you create legislation requiring every poorly-built school-bus to immediately install butt heaters. I'm not asking for the magic school-bus here, just a warm butt on my ride to school!

(Click image below to enlarge)

Monday, November 24, 2008

I Kinda Liked Blade

Movies: Twilight is a Blade ripoff. Come on! A story about a vampire that fights other vampires? It was bad enough that they made three Blade films, did they really have to make a fourth one?

Commercials: I just saw a tide commercial about how Tide went down to Texas to do people's laundry for free. Really?! Now, I'm not exactly the head of FEMA, but I have to assume that clean sheets are not exactly the first thing on someone's mind after their house just got torn apart by a hurricane.

photo: Kekoah

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I Like Textmoticons

Emoticons: Some software changes your text emoticons ( <3) to actual emoticons (♥). But what if I need to use these in their literal sense. For example 2<3 (two is less than three). But if I wrote that on someone's facebook wall, it would post as 2♥. Shame on you, software designers, shame on you.

Koreans: Why is it that Koreans are always looking at themselves in the mirror? Every time I go to use my school's restroom, there's always at least one Korean who's coming his hair and whatnot, but I rarely see white people doing this type of thing. My theory is that Korean pop stars (e.g. T.O.P.) look like they've put in a lot of effort into their appearance while American pop stars do the opposite (e.g. Britney Spears). So because everyone emulates what they see on tv, the Korean people emulate the hard work the Korean celebrities put into their hair and white people emulate the people who look like they just got out of bed.

Must be a Korean cat

photo: law_keven

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Like Picking on People

For the Bookface Addicts: You guys, I clicked a link on Bumper Stickers that was like, "Can't see your stickers? Click here." Now all my stickers are gone and I'm very angry. Today was not a good day.

Awards: So the National Science Teacher's Association gave me an award a while ago. And along with the award came a gimmicky pencil-holder/clock/flashing light deal. I hope I don't get a seizure while reaching for a pencil and checking the time.

Question of the day: This question is for the gay rights activists. If it's okay to be gay, what's wrong with being a pedophile? Or a necrophile for that matter.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I Like Fox News

News: DL Hughley has a show on CNN. First of all, you know that title "Most respected cable news station" you have? YOINK! Now, I'm sure the man is more than competent as a political analyst, but I have to ask: SERIOUSLY?! Let's forget for a moment that this show is a bastard replica of the Daily Show, let's forget for a moment that the NN in CNN stands for News Network, not Comedy Central, let's forget for a moment that Breaking the News with DL Hughley is possibly one of the worst shows I have ever watched, DL Hughley is a terrible comedian who's completely unoriginal and can't tell late-night style jokes. Shame on you, CNN, shame on you!

This is what you get for hiring DL Hughley!

photo: Esteban Trigos

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Like Scrubs

Scrubs is my life: My father told me he knew a lawyer named Ted and it was good. Now if only I could meet someone named Dr. Beardface, my life would be complete.

Chinese: At my local Chinese restaurant, they only serve crackers to the white people. Oh, the delicious irony.

Tu Casa: Victorian houses scare me. The only time I would enjoy living in a Victorian house is Halloween, and even then, not so much because I don't celebrate Halloween.

Communications: What's the point of video chatting? Is it to make people feel awkward? Because if it is, then it is working perfectly!

If I was alive during the salem witch trials, I would totally have searched these houses first.

photo: Oracio Alvarado

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Like Time

Fetters: I forgot to wear a watch today and I realized just how often I check the time. I have become a slave of the space-time continuum!

Roflcopout of the Day:

photo: pearls before swine

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I Like Technology

Star Wars: So apparently, CNN has hologram technology at hand. This is absolutely ridiculous. There is no reason for such a respected news network to resort to such technical chicanery, or Lou Dobbs for that matter. Kidding, Dobbs. Don't deport me!

Men in Black: Scientists have figured out how to selectively erase memory from mice. So in about twenty years, kids are gonna be watching Men in Black thinking, "Oh. I have one of those flashy memory eraser sticks in my dresser." Obviously, this isn't nearly as bad as cloning soulless babies, but I have to believe that once this technology becomes commercially available, a lot of girls are going to be waking up after a long night of drinking, asking the stranger next to them, "Oh my god, did you flashy-thing me?" only to be flashy-thinged back to sleep.

Before America's first black president was elected, the world's first black hologram was created. It was a groundbreaking moment for 2 dimensional African Americans everywhere.
photo: hfabulous

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Like Juniors in Mint!

Question of the Day: Why do some people think that it's natural to be gay, but unnatural to be scared of them or to hate them? If it's impossible to control who you love, then how is it possible to control who you fear or hate?

Junior Mints: I would like them more if they didn't make everything else taste worse.

DMV: People are herded around like sheep at the DMV and it's ridiculous. People just mindlessly follow the person in front of them and they have policemen to keep them in line. And forget about trying to talk to the people who work there. I needed something renewed and no one understood that it was because my visa had expired and not my license even though the first thing I said when I walked up to anyone was, "I need my license renewed because my old visa expired." By the end of the of the ordeal, I was begging for the sweet release of death.

These people at the DMV look rather rowdy today.

photo: James @ NZ

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Like Shoes

Shoes Smell: I like the smell of new shoes. It's probably some toxic mixture of shoe freshener and rubber and I'm kind of scared it's going to slowly kill me. This would be the least awesome way to die, second only, perhaps, to having a heart attack while frightening the blue veined custard chucker.

Speaking of New Shoes: What's up with these ice creams? They look like clown shoes and I don't understand why anybody would wear them.

Shoe Naming: Why aren't there any shoes named after white people? LeBron James, Allan Iverson, Air Jordan... Why they ain't nobody got a pair of Yao Mings?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Like Geography

Chain Mail: Janeaca over at Shawty Talks "tagged me" to write 6 random things about myself and tag 6 other people to do the same. So here goes nothing!

Random Fact #1: While I do not mind taking out the time to write things about myself that no one reads (I do it everyday for this blog), I refuse to respond to chain mail or any variation of chain mail.

Random Fact #2: This "tagging" deal sounds exactly like chain mail to me.

Random Fact # 3: I have few principles, but I stick to them.

Geography: Munroe is a genius. See his comic below.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I Like Commercials

Milestones: 100th post! Woo hoo! I LOVE ROUND NUMBERS!!!!

Commercials: That free credit report song is stuck in my head! But I don't want to reinforce their branding, so whenever I sing the song, I replace the words "credit report" with "intercourse". I haven't felt this excited over a commercial since Dunkin Donuts' Fritalian commercial.

Strange Talk: I've never heard anyone call someone buddy in a positive way. It's always something like"You've got some nerve, buddy!" Please correct this problem, general populace.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Like Not Poisoned Food

Questions of the Day: What's the deal with blueberry bagels? I can never taste the blueberry! Blueberry bagels are the placebos of the baked breakfast goods industry.

Questionable Bagels: I was having a bagel at debate today and it smelled lemony. I'm not sure if it was the flavoring or the Lysol.

Movies: You guys, I just watched Tropic Thunder. It wasn't a very good movie really. The first half was much more enjoyable than the second half.

Favorite line: Tugg Speedman- [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Like Foot Massages

Chewing Gum: You guys, I hate chewing gum! It's this wad of rubber in your mouth and it feels like food, but it isn't! Gum is only slightly better than Chinese water torture.

Candy: Korean people have rice flavored candy. You know, just in case you feel your life is getting a little too exciting.

Democrats: Obama and Biden remind me of Jules Winfield and Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction.

Can you guess which one is Obama?

photo: minifig

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Like Drinking Fries

Nature, you scary: You guys, hippopotamuses (hippopotomi?) scare me! They have gigantic mouths and weigh 500 pounds. You know. Like your mother.

Drinks: I like Juice. Juice is just pressed fruit. Simple, yet delicious. That's why I think we should start juicing up other foods. So guys that run Jamba Juice, please start stocking up on "fresh-squeezed" french fries.

Speaking of Juice: Juice cartons always say something like, "an 8oz cup is two whole servings of fruit!" but milk cartons never say, "an 8oz cup is two whole servings of cow tit extract." Strange.

Juice is fruit for lazy people.

photo: aim and shoot

Monday, November 10, 2008

I Like I Like

Cake: Someone thought it would be a good idea to buy me a cheesecake. I hate cheesecake. They should have gotten me some Bonchon.

Blog: You might have noticed a little check box down at the bottom of my posts that say "I Like" and wondered What in the world is that about? I have not a single clue why that button is there. Well, I put the button there so that if you have enjoyed the particular blog post located directly above said button, you can click it. That way, I can figure out what you guys like and appropriately improve my blog (read: inflate my ego). Enjoy?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Like Impressions

Family Values: I was watching an episode of Full House yesterday, and on the show, Jesse and Joey wouldn't let Michelle be the Yankee Doodle of their 3rd grade class play because there was a kid that was "a better Yankee Doodle." Later on, they stop feeding her and kick her out of the house because she's not "pulling her weight."

Roflcopout of the Day:

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I Like Bento

Things I don't understand: I live in arguably one of the most liberal states in the country. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Obama was going to carry the state. So why is it that so many people were campaigning for him? Due to our electoral process, it didn't matter whether he won by half a point or 50 points, so I have to believe that all those campaigners were really just wasting their time. The same goes for McCain supporters as well. Neither camp's activists would be able to change the results anyways, so what's the point?

Crazyness: Japanese people can get arrested for killing off an avatar of another person in an online world. First, human tetris, and now this? Japanese people are crazy.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I Like Milestones

Wow. It's been exactly 3 months since I started this blog and going strong. So for this 3 month anniversary, I just wanted to take the time out to say, "Wow, you guys really have nothing better to do, huh?". Now, I have yet to come up with a business model for this blog, but I promise that even if there's a nuclear holocaust and zombies are ravaging the planet for the brains of the two remaining human survivors, as long as the other guy's reading my blog, I'll keep writing.

My 3 favorite blog posts:
  1. I Like Korean Snacks Part II
  2. I Like Birds Flying High
  3. I Like Nobel Prizes

(Throwback: Here's a link to my first ever blog post.)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I Like Hot Sauce

Strange Tastes: Is it just me or do other people enjoy eating hot sauce by itself too?

Stranger Tastes: Who was the first person that decided to eat seaweed? That must have been gross. I guess it's kind of like the first guy that tests out a bungee cord: you close your eyes and hope for the best. (that's what she said)

Strangest Tastes: Korean people eat raw beef. Let me repeat that once more for emphasis: RAW BEEF. It's called yukhoe and it is arguably the most primal, animalistic food I have ever seen. I swear, the next thing you know, you're going to see packs of Koreans roaming the country side, howling at the moon and feasting on the blood of your cattle.

Needs a little hot sauce.

photo: avlxyz

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Used to Like Pirate's Booty

Subliminal Porn: You guys, I just noticed that the Pirate's Booty guy's chin looks exactly like a nutsack! I will never be able to eat his delicious puffed rice snacks the same way again.

Politics: Will the populace riot? Let's wait and see.

photo: robscape

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Like Snow White

Junk Food: Who would buy Doritos Fusions? These "fusions" are actually just two flavors of Doritos put into one bag. Wouldn't the two flavors eventually mix together into an amalgam of strange taste?

Soda: I always feel funky drinking soda by itself. It just tastes like sugar water to me. That's why I always put French Vanilla ice cream in my coco-cola.

Hooter's Energy Drink: Is there anything giant boobies can't do?

Korean Energy Drink of Choice: Bacchus F

Monday, November 3, 2008

I Like Living

Fat Food: So apparently, there is this gigantic monstrosity called the KFC Famous Bowl. Apparently, one mashed potato famous bowl contains mashed potatoes (duh!), sweet corn, chicken, gravy, cheese, 740 calories, and 2350 mg's of sodium. Ignoring the fact that eating this stuff is only slightly better than chugging arsenic, how lazy do you have to be to want all your food in one bowl? Seriously, the only way you could get any lazier was if the bowl came with a man to spoon feed you.

Christmas: You guys, I went shopping today and all the stores already had their Christmas lights up! I can tell you one thing: these stores aren't going to win the international procrastination award anytime soon.

Bonchon: 1 - Colonel Sanders: 0

photo: morton fox

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I Like Sugar

Sweet Tooth: You guys, I had a sandwich today! Except instead of bread, there was rice krispies squares and instead of meat, there was marshmallow and oreo cookies. So basically, it was rice kripies square, marshmallow, oreo crumbs, and rice krispies square. It was absolute ridiculousness. Of course, ten minutes after I ate it, all my teeth fell out and immediately began rotting at my feet. Chewing a flaming sheet of aluminum foil would have been better for my teeth than eating this monstrosity.

Dumb Numbers: I was listening to the radio and there was a call taxi ad that said "our number is easy to remember because it's 666-6666." Why are they bringing attention to the fact that their phone number is also the number of the beast? That's kind of scary. I would not want to be driven around by a company with that phone number.

Nom Nom Nom

photo: stickyii

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I Like Bagels

Bagels: They're too hard to cut! Seriously, if a varsity wrestler can't cut a stupid cinnamon raisin bagel from stop and shop, who can? And forget about trying to cut your bagel right after you've woken up. I cannot tell you guys how many times I have cut myself for the deliciousness of bagels.

Side Note: Lox and cream cheese makes the best shmear. Scallion comes in at a close second.

Wanted: The most ridiculous movie ever. It's got fight scenes and plot twists coming out the wazoo. The assassins in the movie can block each other bullets by shooting another bullet at it! What?! Absolutely ridiculous.

You can put Nutella on a bagel?! My friend, you have just blown my mind.

photo: Incase Designs

Friday, October 31, 2008

I Like Fusion. HA!

Saw 5: How sadistic do you have to be to enjoy this movie? Seriously. It's not even scary, it's just violent.

Asian Fusion: Do you know what goes well with pizza? Rice. Rice and pizza is pretty amazing. There is nothing like sticky rice and a meatlover's pizza for breakfast.

Speaking of Fusion: Kimchi and toast is delcious. I used to actually really like this a lot more than I do now, but it's still pretty good. The spicy kimchi serves as a nice contrast to the rather bland toast.


photo: demonsoul 16

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I Like I's

Irrational Hatred: I hate people who wear ragged gray running shoes every day. It makes me want to Falcon Punch them in the face.

Internal Clock: I'm usually very sleepy from around 11:30 to 12:00, but if I make it past twelve without dozing off, I can usually stay up for as long as I want. It's kind of strange.

Imagination: It should be promoted in school. Everyone already promotes creativity and imagination is only a hop jump and a skip away.

Illegal Aliens: What's the big deal? I would understand if overpopulation was a problem, but as long as illegal aliens pay their taxes, they contribute just as much to the economy as the next foreigner.

Falcon Punch: Is there anything it can't do?

photo: encyclopedia dramatica

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Like Urinating

Urination: Choosing which urinal to use can be a pretty tough decision. There's so many different factors to consider and it can easily get overwhelming. But do not be daunted; Bacon Chedda is here to help you wade through the crap about urinals.

The Urinal Buffer: It is standard bathroom etiquette to allow a urinating man at least one urinal to his left and one urinal to his right. Otherwise, it's just kid of creepy. Note: this rule can be ignored if there is a divider between urinals.

Wall Urinals: Typically, in a five urinal bathroom, there will be one urinal that is right next to the wall and another that is right next to a stall. Personally, I feel claustrophobic having to pee with a wall right next to my face, but if you're the type that enjoys privacy this could actually be a plus. The most important thing is to know yourself.

Law of Increasing Urine: There is an inverse relationship between the distance of a urinal from the door and the nastiness of the urinal. The reasoning is fairly simple: urgent peers just rush through the door and pee at the nearest urinal. So if you're not in much of a hurry, then feel free to place higher value on the urinals furthest from the door.

The Alternative: Some people pee in stalls. As an environmentalist, I condemn this giant waste of water, but hey, if you want to be a girly-man, go for it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I Like Nazi Sushi Makers

Sushi Nazi: The Wall Street Journal had a nice piece on sushi bullies yesterday. These sushi "bullies" look harmless but let's play some word association, shall we?

Sushi Bullies->Sushi Nazis->World War III

So you've heard it here first, folks. The Japanese sushi bullies are only a hop, skip, and a jump away from starting the next Great War, so we've got to nip them in the bud. I'll be the first to admit that I may be wrong, but can we really take that chance?

Football: That does it. The Colts are officially the most lackluster team I have ever seen and they can all suck it because I'm going to burn all of my Colts stuff.

Also: I can haz youtoob customization?

Monday, October 27, 2008

I Like Embedded Commenting (do you?)

In case you haven't noticed: The blog has embedded commenting now, to make your lives easier. Here's what the Blogspot people have to say about it:

The embedded comment form is more convenient for your readers because they can use it to post a comment immediately, without clicking over to a different page. It also looks better, since it matches your blog’s style and colors.

So basically, instead of having to comment by opening a new window, you can comment straight from the blog post! Enjoy?

Side Note: I usually try to reply to whatever comments you guys leave me, so if you want to be notified about my replies, you can click the "Email follow-up comments to" box.

Roflcopout of the Day:

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I Like Barbershops

Bugs: You guys, I was about to drink my water today and there was a dead bug in my cup. It was kind of freaky and now I'm scared to drink my water without looking in the cup first.

Haircuts: I get my hair cut at a barbershop because I'm not a girly-man and it's pretty much the bomb. I sometimes go to hair salons when I'm too busy, but barbershops always just blow them right out of the water. And always opt for the shave. You haven't lived until you let another man put a giant blade to your face.

You Chun Naengmyeon: They suck! I ordered fried dumplings, they burnt it to the point where it was no longer edible, and they still charged me. Worst of all, no one acted like anything was wrong! Also, their mul naengmyeon was too salty and spicy and did not deliver the strong beef brothy flavor that Korean flavor is known for. I am never going back there again. Terrible service and terrible food.

Even this homemade naengmyeon beats You Chun

photo: churl

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Like Beatbox/Politics Posts

Obamaniacs: Who's more likely to riot? Blacks after McCain wins or whites after Obama wins? Black people. Both the polls and the prediction markets attribute a significant lead in Obama's camp. Let's say he maintains this lead going into election day and McCain wins. If I was a black man, I would lose all faith in the electoral system and possibly start rioting. However, if Obama wins, it wouldn't be much of a shocker to anyone and whites would have to acknowledge that the Democrats are now the new Republicans.

Beatbox of the Day:

Friday, October 24, 2008

I Like Labeled Floors

High School: My high school has two floors. The first floor staircase entry has signs that say "Floor 1" and the second floor has signs that say "Floor 2". You know, just in case anyone with a severe case of Alzheimer's just climbed up the stairs and forgot that this was a two story building. Good thinking, Mr. Architect Who Designed My School.

McCain: He whistles his "s" sounds and it really annoys me. I will vote for Obama just so that I never have to hear his whistling again.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

I Like Seeing These Ice Creams

Facebook: Any male who posts a shirtless picture of himself on facebook with no intention of humor should be flogged, tarred, and feathered, in that order.

Things that look better than they taste: Yogurt Parfait. A cup of creamy white yogurt mixed with fruit and granola makes me think it's going to be delicious, but it always ends up being a waste of four dollars. I don't understand. I like fruit. I like yogurt. I like granola. I hate parfait. The strangest part is that I know they're bad, and I still keep buying them hoping that the one I'm buying will be better than the last.

Ice Cream Parfaits: Loads better than yogurt parfait. PINKBERRY, MUCH?

Clockwise from top left: Kimchi parfait, wasabi parfait, one liter parfait, curry parfait. I kid you not.

photo: tokyo knock

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Like "A Day at the Pool: Remembrances of a Straight Boyhood"

This is my satire on Bernard Cooper's A clack of tiny sparks: Remembrances of a gay boyhood. You need to have read the essay for my piece to make sense. Enjoy?

“Girls are icky,” Ralph Johnson proudly declared. He had just finished throwing handfuls of dirt still wet from last night’s rain at the group of girls across the playground and was now balancing himself on top of the gigantic jungle gym. Sturdy and boisterous and gap-toothed, Ralph was my best buddy and blessed with tremendous athletic prowess. It was even rumored that he had once crossed the monkey bars, going two at a time.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be picking on girls so much,” I apprehensively suggested while timidly watching his balancing act from the safety of the bottommost rung. Unlike Ralph, I was clumsy and lacked the hand-eye coordination to be good at anything worth being good at. Ralph was like a mentor to me; I emulated him in the belief that being seen with him, being like him, would somehow turn me into the coolest kid in the cul-de-sac.

Squinting his eyes and sticking out his tongue in disgust, he yelled, “EWWWW! What are you, a girl lover?” His voice was full of repulsion for the other sex and his tone, accusatory. I was stunned. “No!” I quickly blurted out, with too much defensiveness, too much transparent fear in my response. I knew the truth.

Only days before, I was swimming with a girl. Gracie Peterson sat behind me in Mr. Johnson’s class. She had smooth, hairless legs, a smile that popped under the accentuation of her lip gloss, and a long, flowing curtain of silky orange hair that seemed almost too perfect to be real.

Exactly how we became such good friends was unclear. She was the kind of girl who wore Sailor Moon scrunchies in her hair and I was the type of guy who collected Pokemon cards. I think our first conversation was when she tapped me on my narrow shoulder with her shiny pink nails and asked what “four plus seven” was. “Eleven,” I had replied.

And now we were swimming together on a play date. The instant Gracie shot from the pool, shaking water from her orange hair, freckled shoulders shining, my attraction to members of the other sex became a matter I could no longer suppress or rationalize.

But I knew what happened to girl lovers. They were shunned by boys for their betrayal and unable to find a niche in the unwelcoming female community of Barbie dolls and miniature ovens. They were outcasts of society to be shamed and mocked.

That’s why no one could know about Gracie and me.

Gracie dog-paddled through the deep end, spouting a fountain of chlorinated water. Despite shame and confusion, my longing for her hadn’t diminished; it continued to thrive, locked away in the deepest chambers of my heart. In the name of play, I splashed the clear blue water at her glistening face, and her orange hair shined brightly in the sun, a flame that couldn’t be doused.

I’ve lived with a woman for seven years. Some nights, when I’m half-awake and I can’t fall back asleep, I reach out to touch the expanse of her back, and I feel the pleasure radiating from her every tiny crevasse.
I have few regrets. But one is that I hadn’t said to Ralph, “Maybe I am a girl lover.” Perhaps I would have been able to pursue a more open relationship with Gracie. Imagine how realistic our games of “house” would have been.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Like Winning Debates

As the top ranked debater in my league, people always ask me how to win debates. Usually, I ignore them and move on with my life, but I figure I will provide full disclosure and tell everyone here.

How to win a debate (in high school):

Intimidate your opponents.

The best way to win a debate is by throwing the other team off their game. This can be done in a myriad of ways. Personally, I do it by being Asian and well-dressed because there is nothing more intimidating than a well-dressed Asian debater. Especially if the judge is Asian too. If you don't have access to nice clothes or Asian genes, I suggest you try carrying a giant stack of papers/books. People will think you mean business.

photo: Jon Person