Sunday, August 31, 2008

I Like Republican Conspiracy Theories

Asian-Americans post stellar SAT scores: Racist populace responds with a collective, "DUH!"

Question of the day: Why do Korean music shows have subtitles?

Thoughts on Palin: So, she's the Republican Hillary Clinton? Personally, I think Romney would have been a better pick, as he has more experience, credentials, and ability in his special Mormon underwear than Palin will ever have in her life. So far, her main weakness seems to be her lack of experience, but I'm sure the liberal press can always dig up something far worse for a republican Vice Presidential nominee. Personally, I'm hoping she'll turn out to be a black albino.


Is the guy applauding Palin for hugging an Indian?

also: School is starting and I am accepting guest posts for the blog as I will be very busy. All you need to do is write a post about whatever you want, a short third-person biography about yourself, and e-mail me both.

photo:triciaward

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I Like Eating

Today is a good day I think, to review different foodstuffs that I have tried.

Barbecue Chicken Reuben: My review of this might be biased because the stupid diner chef burnt my chicken. How does that even happen? Isn't it basically his job to make sure my chicken doesn't get burnt? If he can't even do that, why hasn't he been fired? Anyaways, back to the review. The sandwich was too small. Fucking Earthworm Jim was bigger than that sandwich. And it tasted terrible too. The thousand island dressing and sauerkraut overpowered the barbecue flavor to the point where I could not taste it at all. Rating: 3.5/10

Terrible.

Triple Decker Roast Beef Sandwich: First of all, it wasn't a triple decker. There were four sections of meat. Get your facts straight, Menu-Maker Guy! Second, the bread was hard and this sandwich was very hard to eat as the meat would always slide out. Flavor-wise, it was lacking and untasteful. While I am a big fan of roast beef, I did not notice any type of sauce to accompany the mostly flavorless meat. Rating: 3/10

pathetic.


Patbingsu: Allow me to describe this ever popular Korean dessert item in one sentence. It's shaved ice with beans! Do I even need to review this? Chewing ice is bad for your teeth! You shouldn't even be eating this stuff. However, I do have to admire the entrepreneurship of the man who invented this horrible horrible snack. It takes a lot of guts to sell frozen water mixed with canned sugary beans for 8 dollars and still be successful. Krazy Korean Entrepreneur, I salute you. Rating: 1/10

Seriously?

photos: marshall astor, roboppy, pabo76

Friday, August 29, 2008

I Like Tongue Cleanings

Toothbrush Update: The bumpy sides on backs of toothbrushes are for your tongue. Who knew?

Shame on you, popular media: The number of times Barack Obama has appeared on the cover of TIME magazine in the past 6 months? 8 times. For McCain?1 time (and that one time, Obama was on the cover with him).

My favorite childhood Obama song: Obama and Popular Media sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Thoughts on Obama: Electing Obama will set a dangerous precident for future elections. First, we elect a half-black president, then what's next? A pure black president?! After that point, it's only a hop, skip, and a jump before we let monkeys start running the White House. Allow me to explain. According to the out-of-Africa theory of evolution, Africans are lower on the evolutionary ladder than everyone else (and just above the monkeys) because they never had to deal with the long harsh winters of the northern climates. Here's what innovations report says:

Race Differences and the Out-of-Africa theory of Human Origins. East Asian-White-Black differences fit the theory that modern humans arose in Africa about 100,000 years ago and expanded northward. During prolonged winters there was evolutionary selection for higher IQ created by problems of raising children, gathering and storing food, gaining shelter, and making clothes.

In conclusion, a vote for Barack Obama is a vote for simian takeover, enslavement of the human race, and worst of all, eltist apes riding around on horseback.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Liked the 1988 Olympics Better


Olympics wrap-up:
  • China beats out the US in the gold medal count by a tremendous margin. Finds out too late that no one cares.
  • Usain Bolt dominates the 100 meter dash. Plans to run next 100 meter race backwards while yelling "NEENER NEENER."
  • Phelps wins 8 gold medals at the Olympics. Secedes from United States, forms his own country consisting solely of himself and ranks 10th in the gold medal count.
  • Korea sends the maximum of athletes (four) in Tae-Kwon-Do; everyone wins gold. 5th best Tae-Kwon-Doist skulks to himself in Korea.
  • Korea loses the gold in both women's and men's singles archery. Nation claims it does not hate the archers, merely disappointed.
  • Replay clearly shows that South Korea won the women's handball semifinals. Norwegians will not offer rematch as they are clearly assholes.
  • BMX included in the Olympics for the first time. NASCAR files petition claiming they are a sport as well.
  • Federer loses number one ranking. Still pretty damn good.
  • Modern Pentathlon. Enough said.
photo: tamaleaver

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Like High School

I is teh tin man: About two months ago, when I realized that a lot of people I knew would be leaving for college soon, I predicted that I would be an emotional wreck by this point of the summer. Then something strange happened. I didn't care. It turns out I'm a pretty bad predictor of sadness. This condition has affected me for pretty much the latter half of my life and I am sure affects millions if not billions of people around the world.

As regular readers know, in my quest for a Nobel Prize, I do my best to solve these types of problems. Today's solution will shoot for the prize in 3 categories: economics, psychology, and medicine.

economics: If people can't predict how unhappy an event will make them, they will not be able to properly evaluate the costs of a trade-off. For example, if I predict that selling something I own will make me sadder than it actually will, then I will tend to price it above market value, which would leave both me and a potential buyer worse off than if I could properly predict how sad selling the item would make me. To counteract this, we can eliminate private property and thus, the need to trade goods and services.

psychology: Therapy can train people to accept various realities in their life and disinterest can surely be one of them. People who just don't care about anything should seek psychological help to come to grips with their condition.

medicine: Instead of anti-depressants, we could give uncaring people depressants to make them sad over the smallest things. Besides being marginally humorous, the drugs would allow people to live up to their standards of unhappiness.

So does my Prize come in the mail or what?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I Like Korea

Korean Dramas: Everyone has cancer, no one waits in line, and there are no ugly people. What's the deal?

Krazy Korean Mothers: As a growing teen boy, I enjoy eating unhealthy foodstuffs at alarming rates. In fact, I often make a sport of it and see how much food I can shove down my throat before I have to lean back and breathe in short bursts of exhaustion. For some reason, my mom does not approve. The poor lady constantly reminds me that I may be healthy now, but eating bad food is going to affect me later on in life. Really? I have to wonder how plausible her theory is, considering she once told me I would grow a tail if I kept on eating food in my bed. Effects from foods tend to be fairly temporary from what I see. Maybe it's just me, but I can't recall a doctor ever saying, "I'm afraid to tell you this, but you have cervical cancer. While we're not quite sure what caused the disease, we think it may have had something to do with your amount of sugar consumption as a child."

Interesting Factoid: It turns out that Korean people are actually the same height as most westerners and that stereotypes can be wrong. Who knew? Not I.

More interesting: The Green Lantern cannot use his powers against things/people that are yellow. Asians 1-Green Lantern 0.

I need to buy one of these.


photo: enchanted learning

Monday, August 25, 2008

I Like Watching Gilmore Girls

Question of the Day: If god is so powerful, why did he take 6 days to create the world? Fuck let there be light. Let there be Earth!

What's more embarrassing: That I watch America's Funniest Home Videos or that I enjoy it? I'll tell you what's more embarrassing: that I enjoy watching Gilmore Girls. They speak so fast, but they speak so true.

Fashion: Every once in a while, I get an e-mail from Men's Wearhouse because that's where I rented my tux for prom. A recent newsletter sent me a link to this article, about whether you should tuck in your shirt or not. Here's the article's conclusion:

Its best to take a look at yourself in an untucked shirt before running out the door. Think about where youre going, who youre meeting with and the image you want to project. Then decide what makes you feel most comfortable and go with that.

So.... basically what you're saying is that I should just decide for myself, huh? Golly gee, Men's Wearhouse, thank you so much for the advice. It's not like I was making my own decisions before I read this article.

Who needs to tuck when you're kicking ass?

photo: cinematrix

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I Like GUNS

Minutia of my life: University of Chicago sent me a post card and told me to color it in. What's that about?

Toothbrush update: Bigger head=less time brushing

Quote of the day: Democracy is two wolves and a lamb. Liberty is a well armed lamb.

Quest for the Nobel Prize: Recently, the Freakonomics blog held a quorum over how we could reduce gun deaths. My solution is simple. Allow everyone to carry concealed weapons. I'm not sure that my policy would have much of an effect on gang violence, as many gang members already carry guns, but my main reduction would come from gun related robberies, murders, and the like. If everyone and their grandmother was packing heat, criminals would think twice before pulling out a gun on them. Basic system of costs and benefits. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this legislation would not only lower gun deaths, but lower the overall crime rate as well because criminals won't know if the person they're planning to rob is carrying a gun or not. Everybody wins. Nobel Peace Prize, here I come!

More guns, less violence.


photo: barjack

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I Like Big Toothbrushes and I Cannot Lie

The Longshots: It's a film directed by Fred Durst. Yes. The leader singer of Limp Bizkit Fred Durst is directing a Disney style rags to riches story. Yes. If you stil don't remember him, he's that guy who said, "And you better wear your panties or your diaper or whatever cause I'm gonna rock your fuckin ass off brother." Up next: psychopathic clowns from ICP are set to direct The Mighty Ducks IV.

Question: Is it just me or are toothbrushes getting bigger by the day?

Media is always wrong: It seems not too long ago that political analysts claimed Obama was the clear favorite of the race and that McCain had a better chance of dying of natural causes than he did of winning the election. Now, the same analysts are eating their words as McCain is not only closing the gap, but is actually leading in some polls. Thursday's Wall Street Journal attributes this phenomenon to McCain's ads, oil drilling, and the invasion of Georgia, among other things.

They're wrong.

Political scientists Robert Erikson and Christopher Wlezin knew McCain would close the gap in the polls way back in May. Their paper, which was published around the time when Obama had a gigantic 6 point lead, stated that the race would be a dead heat by election day.

What this means: As Wolfers points out,

A naïve reading of polls suggests an Obama landslide; a sophisticated reading points to a dead heat. Prediction markets are somewhere in the middle, suggesting a two-in-three probability that our next president will be a Democrat.

Yet it is the naïve reading of the polls … that dominates media headlines.

Shame on you, Wolf Blitzer. Shame on you.

I is directing your movies.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I Like ABDC... NOT! (read in Borat fashion)


Fun size my ass: I just had like a mini choco chip cookie pack for the first time in my life and it was absolutely terrible. It's about the size of two twix bars stacked one on top of the other and contains 4 cookies. Absolutely ridonculous. First of all, 4 is the number of death in Korea and China. Also, what are you gonna do with 4 cookies? Starving African children would be angry at you if you gave them 4 cookies. When has anyone ever said, "I wanna bake some cookies, but I don't wanna bake too much, so I think I'll just bake 4. Yeah. That's good. That way, I can feel empty and discontent afterwards."

Gymnastics: Slow motion for vault reminds me of Bay Watch.

ABDC recap: First is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I Like to Live Dangerously


Korean Barbecue: Rivaling Bon Chon in the delicious Korean food category is Korean barbecue. And it makes sense, because the two have a lot of similarities. Both are ridiculously expensive, "make you cry like an incontinent little girl" hot, and are prepared using Ancient Korean Secret Recipes.

But there is a certain level of risk in eating Korean barbecue. For the uninformed, Korean restaurants often have charcoal grills built into the table, so you can cook the meat yourself. Why Korean people would pay extra money to cook their own food is beyond me. It's like if someone wanted to pick their own apples instead of just buying it at the supermarket or something. It don't make no sense. And the worst part about it is that the flaming charcoal is brought out by a guy who is carrying the box of burning coals with a pair of tongs. It's not even multiple tongs! Just a cocky one-tong grip. And I have to wonder how many times the figuratively literal ball (of flame) has been dropped and the griller became the grilled. It seems unlikely, but I would like to remind readers that it also seemed unlikely that every single one of my posts would be boring and pointless; and that happened.

In Rap Music: I've figured it out. Lil Wayne is just a higher pitched Lil Jon. They share the same first name, rap in a raspy voice, have dreadlocks, never make any sense at all, and repeat the same words over and over again. Has anyone else noticed that the two "rappers" are never in the same place at once?

Am I excited for the ABDC final tonight: yes. I AM SOREAL.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I Like My Wives

Question of the Day: POLYGAMY! What's the big deal?

Porno Pod: New shots of the archos "5" and "7" are in and my feelings are mixed. Personally, I've loved having both a touch screen and tactile controls on my 605, but the "5" has removed them for a larger touch screen. Other than that, the "5" still has external speakers and a built in stand, which are both very useful and the design is much nicer. But the real innovation here is the "5G" which is basically a "5" with 3.5G HSDPA technology built in for web browsing pretty much anywhere you can get a 3G connection. Ballin.

"5" VS 605
Pretty Sleek
OOOH Pretty colors~

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I Like Norm

Question of the Day: Is it wrong for me to want China to win the overall medal count, but have less gold medals than the US just to see how Americans react? As far as I know, America is the only country that ranks the nations by overall medals and not gold.

Roast of Bob Saget: not hilarious, but it had its moments. As always, Gilbert Gottfried was the funniest roaster and everyone remembered that Norm MacDonald doesn't need to say funny things to be funny.

Favorite Awkward Norm Quote of the Night: "Now Bob has a beautiful face like a flower. Yeah... a cauliflower. No offense, but... your face... looks... like a cauliflower."

Favorite Gilbert Quote of the Night: "Now, a lot of you are saying, 'Why did we pick Bob Saget? Why should we pick Bob Saget, who raped and killed a girl in 1990? Should we even waste two seconds on Bob Saget, who raped and killed a girl in 1990?' Well, first of all, it's not true. It's not true that BOB SAGET RAPED AND KILLED A GIRL IN 1990. So if you have any proof that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990, stop gossiping and go right to the police with it."

Monday, August 18, 2008

I Like Nobel Prizes

Olympic update: Korean Jang Mi-Ran is the unofficial strongest woman in the world and broke 3 world records to do it.

What this means: Koreans athletes are often noted for their speed, and endurance, but Jang Mi-Ran has shown that we can all look like Jabba the Hut if we put our minds to it.

Opinion: Why do so many college that don't allow men to room with women allow gays to room with other men? As an egalitarian, I see this sexual apartheid as unjustified and unreasonable.

Life Goal: One of my goals in life is to win a nobel prize. I don't really care which one, so I make every effort I can to solve global problems. On this blog, I will share with you some of my ideas.

Fat People: We should be insulting them more. According to Mankiw and others, people respond to incentives. Thus, we can control our obesity epidemic by creating disincentives for gaining weight. One simple disincentive could be to simply insult the obese and establish a zeitgeist in which it is not okay to be fat. Obesity epidemic solved. Is this solution worthy of a nobel prize in psychology? I think yes.

More of this, please.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I Like Barron's

In Bus Rage News: Readers of the blog alerted me about a considerably earlier case of "bus rage" recorded and on youtube known as Bus Uncle.

Proof that you were an accident and that your parents don't love you: your name is Gaylord.

Thoughts on SAT classes: How helpful are they? I've been to one at Seed Academy and although I feel Sunny has helped further my weltanschauung, he did not help my SAT score any more than studying by myself would have. What's the deal here? Is there any empirical evidence that shows enrolling in a prep course is better than studying by yourself? I want to see some hypothesis testing on this! Theoretically, how could any tutor know your strengths and weaknesses better than you do?

Princeton Review's 11 practice tests: Don't buy it! I would rather rip my pubes out one by one than read through its horribly wrong answers and poorly written questions. Just another reason why I'm a Barron's man.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I Like Private Transportation


Irony: Shortly after the "There's a reason you've never heard of bus rage" campaign is unveiled by Greyhound, a Chinese man beheads a fellow Greyhound passenger before proceeding to hack off the victim's body parts and eat them. Racist Canadian passengers not surprised.

In other news: Chicken Romano tastes worse than Vanilla Pudding Cake.

Fact: The SAT's and AP exams have easily reachable upper limits.

My opinion on the matter: It's good.

My Korean critique: these upperbounds stifle excellence and create a disincentive for students that want to study more.

My Solution: Arrange the tests in such a way that students will not be able to obtain a perfect score. This can be done in three ways: 1. make the tests harder 2. rearrange the curve 3. create a system in which the quality of students' answers are judged with no "perfect score".

Also: Beatboxing is a predominantly male sport. Why? If you're a girl and reading this, I will teach you how to beatbox at no charge. Just hit me up.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'M LIKE, SOREAL. Like, Totally.

My thoughts on last night's ABDC: First of all, SoReal Cru dominated the entire show and the night obviously went to the crew with the perfect season.

Pat Lam's dance during Layla's backstage interview segment was priceless.

Way too much crying from Do Knock. This is America's Best Dance Crew, not America's Biggest Pussies.

Cliched sappy Do Knock quote of the day: "Everybody always told me I wasn't good enough. *sob* But now look at me! LOOOK AT MEEEE!"

Final performances were good on both sides although SoReal's was definitely stronger. Grillz? Hilarious, yet stunningly artistic.

I enjoyed how SuperCr3w used the lighting to make it look like a b-boy battle. Not exactly the most creative thing in the world, but I was surprised it hadn't been done before.

Aside: Has anyone else noticed that SoReal Cru extensively uses spirit fingers?

Thoughts on Women's Gymnastics Individual All-Around Commentator: The annoying commentator guy is always wrong. Every single time he is wrong. Any time that he makes a prediction, it doesn't happen. Just fire him already!

Thoughts on Nastia Liukin: The Ivan Drago of Gymnastics. I wish journalists would interview her whenever a gymnast gets injured, just so she can say, "If she dies, she dies."

Aside #2: With the right lighting and if you squint really hard, Shawn Johnson looks kind of like Mr. Potato Head.

Thoughts on Mr. Potato Head: What's the deal with that name? At first, I thought it was Mr. Potatohead, because I thought Potatohead was the man's (vegetable's?) last name. However, after careful research (read: 30 seconds on google), it was revealed that the correct spelling was Mr. Potato Head. No dash, no hyphen, no nothing. Does this mean that his actual surname is just Potato and that the product is his decapitated head? I think yes.

I must break you.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Like Turtles

In Olympic News: Citizens of Beijing are outraged as their greatest fear is being realized: an army of Shredder clones have invaded Beijing and is tearing apart China's shoddily built homes in its effort to find and destroy the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a vigilante group known for their hideous birth defects. Leonardo, the leader of the Turtles, was not available for comment.
Am I crazy or is this guy wearing a thong on his head?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I Like Haircuts

In Olympic News: USA's Warren gets beat by Republic of Korea's Lee Ok-Sung and blames the crowd for it. Reminds ABDC viewers of FannyPak by telling the crowd to "cheer right".

Front Page Headlines in Yesterday's Korean Newspaper: "Korea Dominates Lesser Countries in the Olympics" and "Graduation Rates are Climbing".

Front Page Headlines in Yesterday's Wall Street Journal: "Georgia Routed as Peace Bid Fails" and "For Putin, a Line in the Sand"

What this Means: America needs to relax. It has its panties bunched so far up its anus that it looks like an invisible doctor is giving it a prostate exam. Take a hit from Korea and have a Ding Dong.

Personal News: I got a haircut?
It's... Magic!

Monday, August 11, 2008

I Like Dirty N...'s

Links Galore
Speaking of oblivion: It needs destructable environments.
Vanilla Pudding Cake: not as gross as it sounds.
Merging to the right at the last moment: don't do it.

Olympic News: Ping Pong starts tomorrow and I fully expect Korea to repeat Athens and humiliate the Chinese once again. Korea has fallen to 3rd place now, but is still comfortably above Italy.

Also: On the bottom of my screen, in the task bar, the title of this blog "The Dirty Needle Coughs" is shortened to just "The Dirty N..." Suggestively Offensive or Offensively Suggestive? I think both.

I found this video enjoyable

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I Like Asking Questions

I've been playing a lot of Elder Scrolls: Oblivion lately. It's basically Grand Theft Auto: Medieval London. But what's interesting about the game is that the developer also put out a modding kit for players to alter the game however they see fit. Of course, given this power, modders promptly created nude and topless mods. However, there are also a lot of useful mods ranging from those that produce faster frame rates to those that fix bugs and mistakes the original developers made. Obviously, these mods greatly improve gameplay and offer a high level of customization for every player. Maybe I'm just weird, but this seems like a good thing. So why doesn't every game developer do this?

In Olympic News: I was watching the women's 400m and men's 4 x 100 and both times the announcer was all "this person is gonna win. I've went through every possible situation in my head and there's no way they can lose." Both of his predictions were wrong. So what exactly is he getting paid for if he guarantees that two countries are going to win without a doubt and he is wrong both times?
Bonus Question: Why didn't people protest China's selection to host the Olympics when it happened instead of waiting until now?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

I Like My Guitars Full of Sugar

Today is a good day I think to make lists on arbitrary topics.

How to eat sugar without looking weird:
Step 1: Decide if the container holding the sugar is in the form of a packet or a shaker.
Step 2: If it is in the form of a disposable packet, rip open the top corner about 1/8th of an inch.
Step 3: Pour sugar onto knife. Cover as much of the blade as possible.
Step 4: Carefully lift blade to mouth horizontally and lick off sugar from the blunt side of the bottom end to the sharp side of the top end
Step 5: Repeat steps 1-4 until you have consumed the desired amount of sugar, are bleeding from the mouth, or are being yelled at by the other occupants of the table for being a creeper.

Side note: This is how I got the nickname Brown Sugar at Seed Academy.


I also tried to learn how to play guitar yesterday. While there are too many reasons why I enjoyed the experience for me to list them all, I will write down a few:
1. My fingers have formed calluses the size of Ryan Seacrest on Thanksgiving.
2. My inability to transition between the most basic of chords bring me a feeling of incompetence I have not felt since I tried to pick up up a hooker at a truck stop only to realize she was a man.
3. The number markings on guitar "tabs" look like grains of sand organized in such a way that makes it impossible for me to read all of them at the same time.

In other news: As I write this, the Republic is second in the medal race.

Korea FTW

Friday, August 8, 2008

I Like Sex. And the City.

I ordered a shirt from BustedTees two days ago and I got it yesterday with the 3-day shipping option. False advertising? I think yes.

In other news: I tried bottled frappuccino for the first time yesterday and remembered why I don't like it: I don't like coffee or milk. A frappuccino has too much of both. Maybe if they made frappuccino flavored sugar, I would eat that.

On a related note: Is it not alright to eat sugar in a formal setting? Sugar is food just like bread and pasta, methinks.

On an unrelated note: Today I had my second jaesa of the week. For the uninformed, that's when Korean people put out a lot of food so that our dead ancestors can feast. I'm not sure why they don't just join us for dinner every now and then instead of having to make it this whole ceremony, but I guess it's their choice. More importantly, this means I get to have bonchon chicken at midnight. Bonchon is basically greasy chicken pumped full of collagen with a double fried outer coating so spicy that it will burn a hole through your tongue. Eating it is the culinary equivalent of killing a unicorn. (Pineapple Express: go see it)

flavor EXPLOSION!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I Like Smoothies and 39 Year-Old Football Players

Today, I made a smoothie that had a near ice-cream like texture. It wasn't an ice-cream like texture, but it was almost an ice-cream like texture. Flavor: pina colada with strawberries.

My thoughts on last night's ABDC: Fanny Pak showed not even a trace of class in their exit. Matt Cady openly disses SoReal by telling America to vote right and Beau points at SuperCr3w's flag as he walks out. They could have left the show with dignity, but I guess they had to choose to be assholes.

Prediction: SoReal Cru is going to win with a perfect season.

Thoughts on Favre situation: Who cares? Peyton Manning is the only quarterback who matters. He's dreeeaaamy.

I AM SOREAL