- China beats out the US in the gold medal count by a tremendous margin. Finds out too late that no one cares.
- Usain Bolt dominates the 100 meter dash. Plans to run next 100 meter race backwards while yelling "NEENER NEENER."
- Phelps wins 8 gold medals at the Olympics. Secedes from United States, forms his own country consisting solely of himself and ranks 10th in the gold medal count.
- Korea sends the maximum of athletes (four) in Tae-Kwon-Do; everyone wins gold. 5th best Tae-Kwon-Doist skulks to himself in Korea.
- Korea loses the gold in both women's and men's singles archery. Nation claims it does not hate the archers, merely disappointed.
- Replay clearly shows that South Korea won the women's handball semifinals. Norwegians will not offer rematch as they are clearly assholes.
- BMX included in the Olympics for the first time. NASCAR files petition claiming they are a sport as well.
- Federer loses number one ranking. Still pretty damn good.
- Modern Pentathlon. Enough said.